I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
