If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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