before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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