Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
