I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
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you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
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Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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