I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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