Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
