His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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