I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
