Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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