Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
