i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
