I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
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