You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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