If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
