The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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