Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
