Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
