I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
