Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
