A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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