M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
