Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
