I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
