My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
