It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
