My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
