Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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