I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
