I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
