Who did Billy Mays play for?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
