Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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