I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
