i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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