she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
