Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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