Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
