You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
