He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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