Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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