Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Randomize
