This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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