Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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