Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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