Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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