Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
