I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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