Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Randomize
