Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
