I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
