I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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