my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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