I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
